warning: not a happy topic, but keep reading.

A friend had posted a link on facebook to a blog post about "What you can do to help a grieving family." The blogger, a mother who lost her son in a tragic accident this past September, posted this wonderful list of things to do or say. Most of us are paralyzed in these interactions, not wanting to upset someone who is grieving.

On Christmas Eve 2011, I woke up and found myself going through old emails--the ones that I had from when Meghan, my classmate and friend from my study abroad program, was killed in a bus accident in Peru. I had written about her, on the fourth anniversary of her death, in my old blog. The group of us had put together a memory book that summer (and through the fall and winter), which traveled around the world, collecting stories and photographs from the 14 of us, which was hand-delivered by one of our group to Meghan's parents in March of the following year. Meghan's parents had asked us to write, and I never felt I was close enough to her, or I didn't want to upset them. 

But for some reason, I felt compelled to write to them on Christmas Eve. I wanted to tell them about all of the times that I've thought about Meghan over the past 5 1/2 years. She loved monkeys, so when I went to Africa, I naturally thought about her. She was one of the reasons I wanted to get a DSLR to take photos (which is now one of my favorite things to do). I shared with them the things I have wanted to share with Meghan. I shared with them what her death has meant to me. I offered to send them an email she had sent to us just hours before she was gone.

I have not heard back from them, and for a time I've regretted it. Until I read this post from Anna at An Inch of Gray. The only regret I have is not sending the email sooner.

I feel I've been surrounded by so much loss in my short life that I need to be better prepared for dealing with this. I hate being at funeral homes, and I've been spending a lot of time there recently, after losing Uncle Ken and Poppa in the past few months. And we're just a few weeks away from 10 years without Uncle Parkie. (I was not able to write that without getting a huge pit in my throat and starting to cry).

With my upcoming wedding, I've been thinking about ways to honor family members mentioned, especially because their absence will be very noticeable because of how fresh some of this is. I have seen calla lilies on the alter during the ceremony for those no longer with us. And Pinterest gave me this idea:

source

but the number of pictures I would have to have, just for my family would take over my bouquet (I'm at 8, just out of grandparents, and aunts/uncles). So I'm working on something else. I'm hoping with my renewed sense of how to help those grieving (myself included), that a remembrance gesture like this would be well-received.

Thanks for reading and putting up with this. I feel that the tips on what to do and say are helpful for all, so I just needed to share (and then my heart takes over and the above mess is what results).

Have you seen other ways to remember loved ones at a wedding?

presentations & bicycle helmets, part 2

okay, so i know, i left you with a cliff-hanger yesterday with my random tuesday thought that turned terrifying. so we left off that my friend just went unconscious on the side of the Panamerican Highway in Ecuador. 


Okay, so panic sets in for all of us. We pull out our local cell phones, and call our professor (who was more like a parent) and our program director in ecuador. A few guys run down the street to a building where there may be people to get help. We try to flag down cars driving by. Most just think we're stupid gringos waving at them. One finally stops. We need to get her off of this 3 foot wide strip of grass between one of the busiest roads in South America and a huge cliff to the river down below. We use our broken panicked spanish. (good thing we've been living there for a few months already). They help us get her into their car. 


Shortly after this, an ambulance arrives. They can take her to the hospital. Two people from the group go with her. The rest of us are left. On the side of the road, with 3 extra bikes. I decide that's it. I never want to ride a bike again. All she did was hit the wall with her handlebars on the right side, and then landed on her left shoulder (& head--which could have been way worse had she not been wearing a helmet). And she was getting carted away to a small town hospital in a developing country. No way was I going to do the next 30 miles on a bike. So, a few of us grabbed the extra bikes, and waited for the next bus heading northbound. Some others continued on the trek, no hard feelings on either end for continuing or not. 


The bus came, the put our bikes on the top of the bus, charged us an arm and a leg ($1 per person + $7 a bike)--RIDICULOUS in Ecuadorian terms. For reference, a typical bus fare roughly equals $1 per hour on the road, so a roughly 3 hour trip would cost about $3. We had only had to go 6 miles! We were in shock about the incident, and just paid whatever they asked for. We cleaned ourselves up and the bus entered the town of Banos. We were about 2 blocks from our drop off point, when we heard a crash behind us. We looked back, and there was a bike, on the hood of the police car behind us. And two other bikes on the ground. They had gotten caught in the overhead wires. The bus driver called us, told us to get off, gave us the other bikes, and just drove away. We didn't realize how damaged the bikes were until he was long gone. [The police officer just drove off, unphased.] 


We brought the bikes back to the shop, the front wheels mangled on the bikes that fell. The woman started screaming at us [in Spanish], telling us we had to pay for new bikes - $200 each. We owed them $600. Everything is so cheap in Ecuador, we were staying here for 3 nights, eating food, and getting bus fare back to Quito--I only had $60 cash on me for all of that. 


We explained that the bus driver did not tie the bikes down like he was supposed to, and that he just drove off. In the small town, a witness to the bikes falling was able to identify the bus company and driver. We got back on the phone with our program director, as we got marched down the block to the bus company.


The bus company explained that the owner was poor, and that he had sick children, and he couldn't take care of them, so he couldn't pay for the bikes. The police, who were next to the bus company, said that we had to pay for them for the same reason. We were advised to have a mechanic look at the bikes to see how much it would cost to repair them, rather than replace the bikes.

We did that, and the cost was $20/bike. We scrounged the money together to give them, and just let that be that. We were completely taken advantage of twice that day, it shouldn't have been our responsibility to tie the bikes down. This is where I learned the word "culpa" in spanish (that means 'fault', as in whose fault is it?). 

My friend had broken her collarbone, and they put her in a weird cast. The hospital cost was less than $10, for x-rays, medication, and the cast. She took a taxi 3 hours back to Quito, where the doctor there put her in another cast. It made for a rough last month of the semester abroad for her, but at least she was able to stay. It was a scary ordeal, but its one that I will definitely share with my children when they tell me they don't want to wear a bike helmet anymore, because it could have been so much worse.

random tuesday thought: presentations & bicycle helmets

sometimes, these random thoughts come over me. and tuesday seemed like a good day for that. and apparently, a lot of other people think so, as it's a tuesday blog theme, started by The Un Mom (this is not a blog I often read, i just wondered if anybody else had random thoughts on tuesdays). but hey, it seems like a good idea. because sometimes these random thoughts are interesting memories that are somewhere in the back of my brain, and that maybe someday i'd like to remember or share. so don't feel obligated to read the randomness, if you're not interested. [i do realize my train of thought may be difficult to follow, but i promise it will all come together in the end]

so today i'm giving a presentation on 'time management and project planning.' two separate, but related topics. my audience is americorps program members for the program i was in 3 years ago. why they think i am qualified after 2.5 years of working in the workplace to give this presentation, i'm not sure.

but this all reminded me of the 'persuasive speech' i had to give in my 10th grade language arts class (side note: this was also the same class that i wrote a paper on multiple personality disorder). for some reason, i had no idea what to write/speak about, and my parents gave me an idea. i think i was too lazy to think of something else, so i was the 15-yeard old persuading my classmates that they should wear a helmet when riding their bikes. really cool, i know.

my dad even gave me the idea of bringing in a hard-boiled egg, and smashing it against the chalkboard during an especially intense point during my speech (the egg smashing went horribly awry and it ended up skidding across the chalk board and not even really cracking when it hit the floor). 


but i realize now, 11 years later, that i would persuade my peers today even more to wear a helmet when riding their bicycles. in that short time, i hear too much about people on city streets getting hit by cars (i lived in boston for 5 years, and i certainly was not going to ride a bike there), knowing people that have wiped out on a bike (someone who i used to work with recently fell on his bike and broke his hip), and one of the most terrifying experiences of my life revolved around a bicycle accident. [this is kind of a long story, so it may have to go over a couple installments]


back in 2006, when i was in ecuador, my friends/classmates decided during our trip to Banos, that we would bike down the Panamerican Highway. This is such a popular trip that many places in Banos offer rental bikes to make the 60 km (~37 mile) trip to Puyo. [side note: why did i think i could bike 37 miles in one day? and this was about 5 months after i had knee surgery]  when we started, the place we rented the bikes from said we could take helmets if we wanted, but said we didn't have to. we took helmets. they also instructed us that we could go around all of the tunnels except for the first one, which we would have to go through.


we got started, it was pretty intense downhill. my hands were clamped lightly on the brakes the whole time it seemed. it was beautiful. 

we got to the first tunnel. we could see the light on the other side. the Panamerican Highway is pretty busy, being one of the best maintained roads, and a major artery linking the highland cities of Ecuador and many South American countries. We waited for a break in traffic so that we wouldn't have a car or bus or truck coming up behind us while we went through this tunnel.


A truck entered the tunnel, and it looked pretty clear (there were two one-way tunnels, so we weren't going to encounter any on-coming traffic). I was the 3rd person in the group to enter the tunnel. It didn't look that long, but once we were in it, it was clear it was a pretty long tunnel. At one point, the truck blocked the exit of the tunnel, and it was pitch black in the tunnel. I was going too fast, and I didn't feel like I had control of my bike, and i heard a bump and a crash right behind me. I couldn't stop (the truck had exited, so I could see again), and i was close to the exit of the tunnel. We made it out and stopped on the other side.


My friend was walking her bike out, and I could just hear her saying "I'm fine.  I just have to get out of this tunnel." She was walking, that had to be a good sign. When she and the others emerged from the tunnel (all of the rest of them were walking), she said she just wanted to sit down. She sat down on the small strip of grass. We asked her if she was hurt, and she pointed to the spot between her neck and her shoulder. Another friend, pulled down her shirt collar, and it was apparent she was not okay. A huge lump had formed next to her neck, and it was black and blue. She tried to take her helmet off, we helped her. There was a huge skid mark on the side from where her head hit the pavement. She said she didn't feel good, turned pale white, her eyes rolled back in her head, and she went unconscious.

our trip to America's Dairyland

So, now that we've been back for just under 1 MONTH, I'm making this post happen...

in mid-August, Andy and I headed out to Wisconsin. Why Wisconsin? you might ask. Well, way back in 2006, when I was studying abroad in Ecuador, two of my fellow classmates met on the trip and started dating. Since our whole group was there when they got together, we were all invited to their wedding in Wisconsin. Although it would have been wonderful to have the whole group together again, only myself and one other from the group of 14 were able to make it.

We left the house very early on Thursday morning, got to the airport, boarded our plane from the tarmac, and then it started POURING. and we were delayed. and we missed our connection in Cleveland. So we were re-booked from Cleveland to Milwaukee to Madison instead of just Cleveland to Madison. We hung around the Cleveland airport for a while, lugging our bags around, eventually made it to Milwaukee, and only about 4 hours behind schedule we made it to Madison. (In my personal opinion, Milwaukee was a crappy airport--we had to leave the 'secured' area to get our tickets for the third flight, which was from a different airline, and then had to go through security again. And dump out the water bottle I had purchased at the Philly airport--UGH).

Anyway, we arrived, exhausted and cranky--and eventually went to find some food. Now, I really wanted to explore and visit the quintessential local fare. So we went to The Old Fashioned, and I had one of the most ridiculously delicious sandwiches ever. Grilled Wisconsin Cheddar Cheese with bacon and roasted red pepper, with a huge pile of onion strings (I read they were the best in Madison!), complemented by a local hard cider. YUM.

After consuming half of it (and saving the rest for later), we went for a walk to get a feel for Mad-Town. We walked over to Monona Terrace (this is our 2nd Frank Lloyd Wright building we've visited--the first was Fallingwater out in southwestern PA way back in 2008). The sun was setting, and they had just lit up the capitol building, and it was beautiful! We sat on the Terrace just looking out over Lake Monona, watching the boats drive around.

The next day, we ate breakfast at the Marigold Kitchen (delicious) and I had planned for us to walk out to Picnic Point, through the UW-Madison campus. It was probably about a 6-7 mile round trip walk. It was a beautiful preserve along Lake Mendota that then went past some beautiful campus buildings, and eventually back into preserve again on this very thin peninusla that provided wonderful views of Madison. On our walk back, we stopped and had lunch at the famous Memorial Union (which came highly recommended from a wonderful friend, Dr. Mookie).

We met up with the bride and groom to be on the eve of their wedding at the Great Dane Pub, and we consumed a couple beers and the cheese and artichoke dip (another recommendation from the fabulous Dr. Mookie). More yum. (I was eyeing up the cheddar mac that some other people got, though!)

The following day, we had breakfast at the Sunprint Cafe (mmm bacon egg and cheese sandwich), we met up with Noah and Rachael (Noah was from the Ecuador group), and Rachael is his wife. They were on the last leg of their 5 week long honeymoon, and heading back to their new home in Boulder. ADORABLE couple. I bought some cheese to take home at Fromagination on the Square, and we enjoyed the Dane County Farmer's Market (which was HUGE, and kept people shuffling along in a counterclockwise fashion around the capitol square). I tried some cheese curds, DELICIOUS cheesecake, fresh sliced tomatoes, and so much more. 

We had some leftovers at the hotel for lunch, had some ice cream at the Chocolate Shoppe on State Street. (It's America's Dairyland--now that I've had lots of cheese, I had to have ice cream). I got their signature Zanzibar Chocolate with peanut butter topping, peanut butter cups, etc.Andy got something green (maybe pistachio?) I don't know. I was too engrossed in my sundae.

We took a nap after all that and then it was time for the wedding. Held at the lovely Orpheum Theater on State Street, it was a beautiful ceremony. Something I really liked that they did was they passed around the rings for the entire group to touch and send their blessing, as everyone had touched their lives in some way.

 

Nicole & Alex (her dress was handmade by her aunt!)

the adorable Rachael and Noah (quite the dancers!)

we partied and danced until I was about to pass out (around 11:30, I think), went back to our hotel room and slept until it was time to go to brunch in the AM. After saying goodbye to Noah/Rachael, and Alex/Nicole, we headed off on our next adventure. We walked through the other side of the UW-Madison campus towards the Henry Vilas Zoo. We passed the Orpheum, which still had the message for Alex & Nicole (So far so good)--since they were officially married last year, and then wanted to have the wedding ceremony/party for friends and family.

The zoo was pretty awesome for being a free zoo! It was about a 3 mile walk to get there, but I need to work off all of the cheese that I had consumed so far. We saw some really cool animals like a badger (of course, the UW mascot), capybaras, an alligator snapping turtle, etc.

We decided to call a cab to get ourselves some food, since we were hungry, and I really wanted that cheddar mac at the Great Dane, so that's where we went. It was DELICIOUS.


It was our last night, and I had also been keeping an eye on the grasshopper ice cream at The Old Fashioned, so we got some of that for dessert (it's got creme de menthe in it, so I got carded to get ice cream), over a brownie, to go, and took it to Monona Terrace. It was a great last night in Madison, a city I really enjoyed. 

(The trip home went off without a hitch--we did have to take a propeller plane from Madison to Cleveland! It was pretty crazy!)


Hopefully I'll be better about posting for my next vacation!! :)

5 years ago: coming home.

This day, five years ago, I returned home from my semester abroad in Ecuador. Although I had the best time of my life, I was ready to return home after 4.5 months. 

I have many many memories and a list of things I did to rival any bucket list. Here's a small snippet:

- visited the Galapagos Islands

- lived in the Amazon Rainforest for 1 month

- went horseback riding in the Andes

- jumped off a 40 foot tall waterfall (i have no photo of me, but here's one of some random person at the same place)

- saw a Cock-of-the-Rock lek (group mating ritual of some brightly colored birds)

- saw 8 species of monkeys (among more wildlife than anyone could imagine)

- rode a bicycle on the Panamerican Highway 

- soaked in natural hot springs baths

- stood on two active volcanoes

- swam with sea lions, sea turtles, rays, and sharks

- saw Lonesome George

- got the worst sunburn of my life
- saw many sunrises and sunsets

- caught bats, raised baby turtles, studied fiddler crabs, measured and counted hermit crabs, among several other research projects (e.g., schoolwork)

- traveled via plane, train (on the roof), bus, and boat

- rode in the bed of many a truck

- lived with a host family, where my host mother did not speak any English

- oh yeah, and that earned me 18 college credits.

here are some photos to continue the trip down memory lane.

getting ready to leave. i brought all that stuff.

my host sister and I

my first full day in Ecuador. at the Equator.

BU Tropical Ecology Program 2006

at 13,500 feet elevation

me at 14,700 feet on Cotopaxi Volcano (one of the highest active volcanoes in the world)

this is class.

awkward foot wash station.

me & a land iguana in the Galapagos

i have a bat in my hand.

on the Rio Tiputini (this is the only way to get to and from our research station)

canopy walkway up 100ft in the air

riding on top of a train to El Nariz del Diablo

at nearly 12,000 feet at Podocarpus National Park (I'm smiling because this is before I thought we were lost and were not going to survive)

at the best known Inca ruins in Ecuador, Ingapirca

this is our professor.

my parents even came to visit! this is the REAL Equator.

i have to mention the other item for this day. although May 14th was the 'last day of the semester,' some members of our group stayed to continue traveling. one of our group, Meghan Sennott, was traveling in Peru on an overnight bus trip, and the bus went off the side of a mountain in the Andes. Thirteen people, including Meghan, were killed in the crash. 

Our group was only 14 students, 1 TA, and 1 professor. I found out via email two days after it happened. I had messages from our TA, our professor, and our program administrator in Ecuador. it hit hard, as it could have been any or all of us. we spent a lot of time in buses, speeding around blind corners on dirt roads with no guardrails in the Andes.


i had been happy to be home, and at that point, i was just glad i was able to come home. it still was a great semester, but my return to the US and the end of the trip still is bittersweet.