there are no words

i haven't written in over a month, and a lot has been happening. some good, some not so good.

i've tried to hide the not-so-good things behind fun stories and memories that i hadn't written about yet. but now, there is just too much.

october was a rough month. i've written about loss before, and how i feel i've experienced a lot in my short life. in the past ten years, i have lost three uncles, one great aunt, and two grandparents. several close friends had parents die. i've had one friend die.

and that has all recently been capped off by the loss of a co-worker (mentor), my husband's grandmother, and now a former supervisor and colleague. since the beginning of october.

my co-worker (in my office of 8 people) was in a car accident and died on october 7. i hadn't really thought about it before his death, but he had really been a mentor for me for the past two years at least. he tried to fill me with so much of the knowledge, expertise, and experiences. and now, i have taken over our stormwater monitoring program, which i was not prepared for. i really struggled with this loss (knowing that it was nothing compared to the loss his wife and two teenage boys are experiencing). i tried so hard to keep it together at his memorial service, but couldn't, especially when colleagues traveled more than 2 hours to be there--for me. to support me. because they know that i was the one that worked most closely with him in our office. i broke down in the field, trying to figure out how to make $20,000 pieces of equipment work properly.

and most recently, i lost it at a conference. they dedicated the conference to him. he was supposed to present. i spoke with his colleagues, and i shared a story about that day i broke down in the field. one of those very expensive pieces of equipment gave me a weird reading. it had recorded stormwater flow at the exact same start time on the date of his memorial service. that day, at that time, was beautiful. there was barely a cloud in the sky. it makes no sense. one of his colleagues is convinced this was him sending a message, letting me know i could do it, and it would be okay. he was 52.

andy's grandmother passed away less than two weeks later. 364 days after my grandfather passed away. 
while she had lived a long life, and she was sick, so it was better that her suffering had ended. but it was still extremely sad. she had loved andy, and she loved me, just as one of her own grandchildren. the last time i saw her, i told her how happy i was to have gotten two grandmothers by marrying andy, because i had none of my own anymore.

it was hard to see andy so upset. he spoke at the gravesite, and i could read him that he was devastated. i'm happy for him that he was able to have such a great, close relationship with his grandmother throughout his life, but it's so hard to watch. he has dealt with so much death for my family, i hadn't been on the other side.

and on sunday night, my supervisor from my previous job (and i have still worked with her for the past 3.5 years) passed away. she had a heart attack. she had been to the hospital because she was having chest pains. they sent her home and said it was acid reflux. and she died three days later. she was 30 years old.

these things just don't make any sense sometimes. or ever. i need to accept that it's okay to be upset and cry, especially with all of these things compounded.

there are lots of happy things going on in my life, so i don't want to dwell on the sad things, but i needed to get the sad things out of the way before i can focus on the happy things.

so sorry to be such a downer, but stay tuned for happier things!

Longwood Gardens

When Andy and I arrived back from our honeymoon, we remembered that we've been talking about taking a trip to Longwood Gardens. We've been seeing advertisements for a new display called Light--you walk the grounds at night where they have these displays of light set up - 2 liter soda bottles with fiber optics, glass spheres with fiber optics, etc. We just needed to see it in person.

We were running out of time to see it, between our upcoming schedules, and the ending of the display. So, we decided on Thursday that we would go on Saturday of Labor Day weekend. We booked a hotel room and tickets for the Fireworks and Fountains Show as well that would be happening on Saturday. We walked what felt like only a quarter of the grounds, saw the fireworks show and walked the Light display. It was AWESOME.

On pinterest, I had seen a great bridal shower/wedding present idea--give the couple a year's worth of dates--one for each month of the first year of the marriage. Now, that wasn't something we received, but I thought it was a cool idea--at least one date (something other than just going out to eat) each month. This was our September date, and it was PERFECT.

It felt good to flex my camera a little bit too--I took all of the fireworks shots on manual (shutter priority, manual focus). My pictures do not do any of it justice, but enjoy!

#15 French Creek State Park

So, I know. I'm a little behind, but there's no time like the present to catch up, right?

Andy and I went to our 15th state park, French Creek State Park, for our annual 4th of July camping trip  this year. it was only about an hour and a half away from where we live, but it felt like we were in the middle of nowhere! The weather was predicted to be over 100 degrees that weekend, so we did our best to prepare for that, with lots of water, and bathing suits (since the park had a pool). 

we had a HUGE campsite that was nice and secluded (e.g., has trees/shrubs on both sides so you aren't right up against somebody else's tent).

We took a hike to Hopewell Furnace National Historic Site (which is completely surrounded by the park), and we happened to catch a casting demonstration and talk about the site, which was very important for Pennsylvania's iron heritage.

[I am pretty sure I took more photos than this, but sadly, I can't find them right now.]

But anyway, it was super hot that day, so after we finished our walk, we did head over the pool. The pool provided some relief, but there was a ton of people there, and the pool was really shallow, like only 2 feet deep, so it was warm and kind of gross. but cold water to drink was nice, and i worked on my color for the wedding. it was too hot to do mostly anything else. 

We had a horrible storm while we were there (that happened last year too), but this was so bad, we moved ourselves in our vehicle away from our campsite--the trees were swaying too much. we came back, and our bathroom had no electricity nor hot water. i took a freezing cold shower the next morning, but i needed to get clean. the electricity came back shortly afterwards.

we had a good weekend away--i had a tough time since i had just found out the day before that the train on my wedding dress had been cut off. my mind was elsewhere. but having no cell service helped i think. 

it was nice to spend some time together with my soon-to-be-husband. we had planned on doing some wedding related planning out in the woods, mostly that we were going to write our own vows and fine tune the ceremony. with the dress drama, i couldn't do anything wedding. and we never did write our own vows, and we did the ceremony fine tuning about a week before the wedding--talk about stressful!


French Creek was a nice park--yay for #15!

stolen name

i know i haven't posted in a while, and there are clearly lots of things to post about, but i just needed to get this off my chest (because my husband thinks i'm crazy).

today's realization: i've reached the point in my life where i start to think "damn, she stole my baby name!"

now, this comes with some caveats. i'm not pissed if some random stranger, or even someone i was clearly once acquainted with (and therefore facebook friends with) uses one of my baby name ideas. but when it's in your family, it's a different situation.

case in point: andy's cousin had a baby yesterday. and they chose one of my baby name ideas (different spelling). his family is pretty close (they were pretty much raised as siblings). he says, "do you know how many steve's there are in my family?" (answer: yes, 3.) but they are in three generations, and one of them is a father/son. which makes that ALL totally acceptable.

i, however, cannot have a child with the same name as andy's cousin's child. they will probably only be a few years apart. they will be second cousins. yes, i have cousins who our second cousin shares the same name, but we don't see them all the time.

this will not be the same case. so that name option is out (but it's probably good that it is because i decided i loved it when i was dating a different guy than andy).

i have another name i like even more, that i will be CRUSHED if somebody takes. i feel like i need to stake a claim to it. but you almost don't want to say it because then somebody will be like "THAT'S AN AWESOME BABY NAME" and then they have a baby first and steal it.

thanks for letting me rant.

and in case you were wondering, stolen name: madeline. (andy's cousin spelled it madilyn)

somebody else, go ahead and use it. i sure can't. (please tell me i'm right on this?!)

wedding recap quickie

so i need to post something, and i want to be able to post about all sorts of details about the wedding in detail (because i was all about details), but i wanted to  give you a little taste of how the day went.

well, first off, remember when i wrote about how worried i was about the weather? the weather on my wedding day ended out being (in the words of our photographer) "the most perfect weather day of this years wedding season." it was 75 and sunny with little to no humidity. we had white puffy clouds during our photos, clear blue skies during our ceremony. the temperature was PERFECT. i was hesitant about an august wedding and that it would be too hot. but it was perfect.

so here are some pictures other people have posted--just want to give you the idea, and we'll get into the good stuff soon. 

we got in last night at midnight from our honeymoon, have a lot to do, andy's got a cold, and our landlord re-did our bathroom while we were gone, which is great, but there is dust EVERYWHERE. so i need to clean the toaster before i can make breakfast.

anyway, here's some photos:

bouquets

bridesmaids: twin, sister, and sister-in-law

the guys (including dads)

ceremony

and for full effect

oh yeah, the kiss.

we did it!

place cards

first dance: I'll Always Be Right There by Bryan Adams

dance with dad: Then They Do by Trace Adkins

fingerprint tree guestbook

sweetheart table

my sister and i and our husbands :)

yes, that's the one i just married. and yes, he's on the floor.

party time! (and this photo features my boston friends)

hope you enjoyed them! it was a GREAT day. the PERFECT day.

wedding teaser

since i realize that i haven't posted a ton since we've been getting into the nitty-gritty details of wedding prep, and whatever i have posted seems to have been negative, i wanted to share some of the fun details that we've worked on for the wedding day. this has been a really fun process (although stressful at times), and i like that i'm able to create a unique wedding day experience.

kraft paper envelopes with butterfly stamps

invites!

table numbers! (cut by my father-in-law to be, wood burned by my hubby-to-be)

firefly jars :)

hope that's enough of a teaser for you! you'll just have to wait for a while for the rest! ONE WEEK until the big day. i just can't believe it.

wedding worries.

i know the day will be beautiful. and everything will be perfect. that's what everyone keeps telling me, regardless of this major worry that i have. i know that there are things i can't control, and this is one of them. but i have always dreamed of an outdoor wedding, and we have the most perfect place for it. but the weather forecast keeps changing wildly!

when i first began compulsively checking the weather (1 month out), it was rain. i knew i couldn't put any faith in it because that's way too far out. it stayed rain for a while, and then this past week, it changed to rain in the morning, but partly sunny in the afternoon (fine with me). then yesterday it changed to mostly sunny and 71 for a high (a little cool for the summer, but better that it's not 95!). i felt like a weight was lifted off of me, since there was no rain in the forecast anywhere near my day.

and then today it shifted dramatically. it now shows rain, and not just a sprinkling. it's showing 1.25 inches during the day and another .75 inches at night. working in the water field, i know that that's A LOT of rain. (and it's supposed to continue on sunday, too--nearly another 3 inches during the day and evening). we aren't getting a hurricane, so wtf.

i just want my pictures outside, and to have the ceremony outside. we have an indoor ceremony option, but because we have a band, it makes things more complicated, and not the best 'looking' option. if it rains, we will get married on the dance floor, with all our friends and family sitting at their tables for dinner. all the money spent on outdoor decorations, rental tables, etc. will be lost.  if we weren't having the band, we would just be flanked by friends and family, with a view out the large windows over the pond behind us (not bad), but that's where the band will be, and i guess i'd rather not have a drum set and microphone be the backdrop for my wedding photos.

like i said, i know i can't do ANYTHING about it, but i just want the rain to stay away. i'm fine if it's cloudy and cool, just rain rain go away, please?!