there are no words

i haven't written in over a month, and a lot has been happening. some good, some not so good.

i've tried to hide the not-so-good things behind fun stories and memories that i hadn't written about yet. but now, there is just too much.

october was a rough month. i've written about loss before, and how i feel i've experienced a lot in my short life. in the past ten years, i have lost three uncles, one great aunt, and two grandparents. several close friends had parents die. i've had one friend die.

and that has all recently been capped off by the loss of a co-worker (mentor), my husband's grandmother, and now a former supervisor and colleague. since the beginning of october.

my co-worker (in my office of 8 people) was in a car accident and died on october 7. i hadn't really thought about it before his death, but he had really been a mentor for me for the past two years at least. he tried to fill me with so much of the knowledge, expertise, and experiences. and now, i have taken over our stormwater monitoring program, which i was not prepared for. i really struggled with this loss (knowing that it was nothing compared to the loss his wife and two teenage boys are experiencing). i tried so hard to keep it together at his memorial service, but couldn't, especially when colleagues traveled more than 2 hours to be there--for me. to support me. because they know that i was the one that worked most closely with him in our office. i broke down in the field, trying to figure out how to make $20,000 pieces of equipment work properly.

and most recently, i lost it at a conference. they dedicated the conference to him. he was supposed to present. i spoke with his colleagues, and i shared a story about that day i broke down in the field. one of those very expensive pieces of equipment gave me a weird reading. it had recorded stormwater flow at the exact same start time on the date of his memorial service. that day, at that time, was beautiful. there was barely a cloud in the sky. it makes no sense. one of his colleagues is convinced this was him sending a message, letting me know i could do it, and it would be okay. he was 52.

andy's grandmother passed away less than two weeks later. 364 days after my grandfather passed away. 
while she had lived a long life, and she was sick, so it was better that her suffering had ended. but it was still extremely sad. she had loved andy, and she loved me, just as one of her own grandchildren. the last time i saw her, i told her how happy i was to have gotten two grandmothers by marrying andy, because i had none of my own anymore.

it was hard to see andy so upset. he spoke at the gravesite, and i could read him that he was devastated. i'm happy for him that he was able to have such a great, close relationship with his grandmother throughout his life, but it's so hard to watch. he has dealt with so much death for my family, i hadn't been on the other side.

and on sunday night, my supervisor from my previous job (and i have still worked with her for the past 3.5 years) passed away. she had a heart attack. she had been to the hospital because she was having chest pains. they sent her home and said it was acid reflux. and she died three days later. she was 30 years old.

these things just don't make any sense sometimes. or ever. i need to accept that it's okay to be upset and cry, especially with all of these things compounded.

there are lots of happy things going on in my life, so i don't want to dwell on the sad things, but i needed to get the sad things out of the way before i can focus on the happy things.

so sorry to be such a downer, but stay tuned for happier things!